Crossover Blog #2:Discipline
This week, the Naked Redhead and I will be discussing disciplining children. I promised her I would be nicer this week, so I’ll try and keep the snark to a minimum.
I want to preface this post by saying that I’m probably more of a newbie when it comes to discipline than Red is. I never babysat, and Jude is only 13 months old. All of my views on discipline stem from a couple of key factors:
1. I believe that despite their small stature, children are people, too. They deserve just as much respect as their full-sized counterparts.
2. I want my child to be an independent and free-thinker.
So, where to begin?
The root of the word “discipline” is “disciple,” and the meaning of “disciple” is to teach. So, when I think about how I’m going to discipline Jude, what I’m really thinking about is how I can best teach him about making good choices. When we love our children and form strong attachments with them, they will want to please us, their caregivers. Any misbehavior on their part is simply a mis-step, not a willful act of disobedience. When little ones act out, it is often because they are overtired or overstimulated, and during these times, they need us to understand the big feelings they’re feeling but are unable to articulate.
I think there is little to no value in using techniques such as “time out” to teach a child. Isolating a child who obviously needs more help (as shown by his/her acting out/misbehaving) is akin to saying “I don’t care, work it out by yourself.” Instead, I think that parents need to engage their children when they’ve misbehaved and let them know that they (they parents) understand the child’s struggles. Parents should help their children find words to describe how they’re feeling.
I think there is absolutely zero value in spanking. None. Not even a little. When is it ever acceptable to hit someone just because they have done something wrong? I ripped on Red’s hair in last week’s crossover blog post. I called her a Republican. Despite all this, Red has yet to hit me in any way. Have we discussed the degree of nastiness in my post? Sure. Did I apologize for my one or two low blows? You bet. So, why treat our children differently? Using a violent act as a disciplinary tool only teaches our children that violence is acceptable. And simply stated, it is not.
When parenting Jude, I do my best to say “no” as little as possible. In other words, I like to make my “nos” count. Instead of just saying “No, Jude. Don’t pull the cat’s tail,” I say to him, “Jude, pat the cat’s back. The cat likes it when you pat his back,” and I show him how to do it. Of course, I try to be at arm’s length at all times to stop him if he does get a good hold of one of the cats’ tails, but I think there’s much greater value in telling him what he can do instead of what he can’t. Additionally, if Jude is say, chewing on my cell phone and I would rather he not, I don’t tell him “No;” instead I ask him, “Can Mama have that?” and then take the phone from him and give him a toy to chew on in its place. I think a lot of the frustration kids feel is due to being told “No” all the time. So, as a parent, I want to try and say “Yes” as often as I can. If I’m tempted to say “No,” I want to really consider if the answer is truly “No” or if it’s really “Not now” or “Later.” Let’s say little Jessie wants a bowl of ice cream, but dinner is going to be ready in 15 minutes. Instead of saying “No,” you could say “We’re going to eat dinner shortly, but you can have some ice cream for dessert afterward.” If you don’t want Jessie to have ice cream at all, you can offer an alternative, maybe fruit salad as a sweet treat. Also, I’m hoping that by using the word “No” only when it really counts, I’ll be able to avoid having a toddler who answers “No” to every question asked of him.
I dislike the use of contrived punishments for misbehavior. Personally, I think that natural and logical consequences should be utilized as teaching tools. For example, if your child hits another child and that child turns around and hits your child back, that’s a (sad) natural consequence. Or, if your household has a strict helmet-wearing rule and your child chooses to ride his/her bike without a helmet, a logical consequence would be not being able to ride his/her bike for a week. Using logical consequences teaches children to make good choices. Why ride your bike without a helmet if you know that you won’t be able to ride your bike for a while if you don’t? Natural and logical consequences can be utilized throughout a child’s entire life, whereas it’s hard to imagine sending a 14-year-old to the “naughty chair” for a time out.
Finally, when teaching, or discipling, our children, it’s really important to have a good grasp on what kind of behavior is appropriate for each child’s developmental stage. When Jude was around five or six months old and I would be holding him while brushing my teeth, he would constantly pull on the shower curtain, often times shoving it in his mouth. The first two or three times I would tell him to stop and would remove the shower curtain from his hand. One day I finally asked myself, “Why not?” Really, what was the hurt of him pulling/chewing on the curtain. It was brightly colored and had a neat texture. Because of those two attributes, Jude took great delight in touching and gumming the shower curtain. Developmentally, he needed to touch the shower curtain… He was learning about the world through sight and touch (and taste!). So, I let him touch and slobber all over the curtain (and I still do!). I decided that that issue didn’t warrant using a “no.” See? I’m so much more laid back than you all thought I was!
That’s this mom’s take on discipline. Check out why the Naked Redhead recently started packing Duct tape and rope on her shopping trips to Wal-Mart here.
Want more? Check out the Crossover Blog archive!