Question
You know what question I dread to be asked?
“So, do you work?”
Despite it’s appearance, the question is not a simple one, and it’s answer is long and multi-faceted. When people ask me if I work, what they really mean is, “Do you make any money?” And although I hate to let them off the hook and would much rather say, “Yes. I work nearly every second of every single day. No sick time or paid vacation to speak of,” and then go on to list all the work I do on a daily basis, I answer, “No. I stay home with my son.” And then in reply, “Ohhhh.” And then come the looks of pity and the looks of disgust (and of course, from my fellow stay at home moms, the looks of joy).
I love my job (and yes! it *is* a job!). I enjoy staying at home with my son. It’s fulfilling and joyful 97.6248% of the time. I don’t earn an income, but I *do* contribute to our home. I cook and I clean, I take care of (most of the) finances, and HELLO? I’M RAISING OUR SON! It’s not an easy job. It *is* however, the most important job I could ever take on. It’s also more rewarding than any income-fetching job could be.
The other day I was asked if I planned on going back to work at some point. Last night, the woman from my student loan company asked if I worked… *at all.* Why the assumption/expectation that a woman would or should want to work outside the home? I’m proud of what I do. I’m also just a little sick of people who think that child rearing and home making isn’t enough-not important enough, not rewarding enough, not fulfilling enough. It is, it is, it is.
Was just thinking about this myself. This is the most rewarding, the most time-consuming, the most continuously challenging and evolving job I’ve ever had.
In addition to the things you’ve pointed out, I think one of the hardest things for me is that it is assumed we are wealthy because I’m staying home. “Oh, how nice you can do that” [and that you have the luxury of not "working"].
Is it a “luxury” that we have made huge sacrifices, including -and most importantly- financial security, so that we could have a greater influence in how our son gets raised? This is a choice we’ve made and other families should do what is right for them.
People can be pretty clueless about this. Part of it is being linguistically lazy (which I admit to doing – equating paid job with work).
But part of it is just having no frame of reference for maintaining a home full-time, besides what they see and hear in the media.
It’s an ongoing struggle – I try to help people understand that at-home-parent work is really important, but with no direct experience, it seems to be really hard for people to wrap their brains around.
Reading this made me think of my other neglected blog I forgot to tell you about – this post in particular: http://doubleagents.wordpress.com/2006/08/13/party-over-there-ignoring-parents-in-social-situations/
Check it out if you get a chance.
Aimee actually said what I was thinking–even worse than the pity or disbelief is the complacent envy of “Oh, I wish I could do that, but we couldn’t make it work.” That may be so, but it’s not like we’re independently wealthy here. We made a choice to sacrifice a certain lifestyle so I could stay at home and raise our girl(s). I was actually enrolled in school, waiting for fall so I could start finishing my BA, when I found out I was pregnant with Bug. Did I want to put that on the back burner? No, but that’s the choice we made as to what would be best for our family. This isn’t a luxury; for us, it’s a necessity!
I wonder how we can be more “linguistically fit” in asking this question. I’ve intentionally left the question become more of a narrative, saying, “Tell me about your work.” Which leaves it open for it to include both job, vocation, and life passions. I believe strongly that parents should parent their children. Its actually kind of sad that this is not assumed in our culture. Great job Jillian! Keep up the “great work!”
Aimee, Louise-I totally feel you. I loathe the “oh, it must be nice to be able to stay home…” comments. Partially because-hello? Do you know what we’re doing without so that I can stay home? Have you seen our budget? And also because, at the end of the sentence I can almost always sense the unspoken “… and sit on your ass all day/nap all the time/relax.” And as both of you know, and you too, Atena, that’s about as far away from truth as is possible.
And Atena (and Mark), I agree. Some of it is being linguistically lazy. I’m not sure how I would like to be asked about what I do. “Do you work outside the home?” *might* work; and Mark, I like the “Tell me about your work” way of tackling that question. I don’t know what feels right. A lot of it has to do with the feelings and intent behind the question.
Again, Atena-You need to be writing. All the time. Go now! Do it! Resurrect those blogs, please!