A Wife’s/Mother’s Job
Yesterday, the family and I went to Montrose Beach for a kind of meet and greet that some friends of ours had organized. Out of the twenty (?) people there, we knew three but were looking forward to connecting with other Chicago-landers.
We didn’t stay at the beach very long…maybe half an hour or a little more. It was chilly, and Josh and I had (stupidly) decided not to bring our coats with us. Anyway, on our way out, we stopped to say goodbye to our friends, the hosts of the get together, and were quickly introduced to another one of their friends: an older gentleman (that’s a bit too kind) who we’ll call Fuck Face (or FF, for short).
Before either Josh or I or our friends got around to telling FF our names (you know, a proper introduction), this asshole launches into a diatribe (directed at yours truly) about how I *HAVE TO* put my husband first and my child second in my life. And how I have to NOT let my mothering instincts get in the way of “taking care” of my husband.
I stared at him, sure that I had missed something, because WHERE THE FUCK DID THAT COME FROM?
As we walked away, I asked Josh if I had missed something or if FF just went off for no reason? Not that it would have made much difference, but no, there wasn’t a key part of the conversation that had been lost on me. FF just decided that it was his place to tell me, a stranger to him, that I had better put my husband’s need for a blow job above my child’s need for food, comfort, and nurturing. Because that was my job, as a wife.
I really, really wish that I had said something to that piece of shit while we were there. I didn’t because I REALLY thought I was missing a key piece of information. I mean, no one says that shit to strangers, right? RIGHT?
So all day I stewed. This asshole thought it appropriate to insult me, my relationship with my husband, and my parenting. And though I do have a way to get in touch with this douche bag directly, I have no kind words to offer him, and so instead, I retell my story here.
I feel bad for FF’s children, who were obviously never Number 1 to anyone. Mom was too busy getting Daddy off to care for them. I feel bad for this prick’s wife, who was told that she should ignore her mothering instinct for the sake of her husband’s desires. I feel bad for people who have children and don’t realize that that means their priorities in life need to shift.
Listen, my relationship with my husband is important to me. He and Jude are the two most important people in my life. Their needs and desires are equally important to me, but at this point in our lives, Jude’s needs and wants trump everything else (pretty much) – as they should. The kid isn’t even two years old for Christ’s sake!
How horrible that people out there, grown adults, are so ego-centric that they can’t even allow for a baby’s needs to come before theirs. Sad, sad, sad. Pathetic, really. And what’s worse (maybe) is that this guy thinks it’s his job to tell other adults, other parents, how to relate to one another and how to treat their children. Perhaps his energy would be better spent working on *his* relationship with his children and spouse, because if yesterday’s exhibit of verbal diarrhea is indicative of how he treats his family, they’re all going to need years of therapy to heal themselves and their relationships.
Wow! I’m appalled at the lack of class and consideration of this FF. Lately, I’ve been coming across much mother/wife/female disrespect and it concerns me because I thought that we, as a society, have progressed into thinking that a marriage is a “give and take” relationship; motherhood is important and comprised of LOTS of work; and that women, in general, are human beings with needs and wants of their own. I didn’t even mention the importance of having children and the importance of their needs as they learn, develop and grow. I just thought that such self-centered and ignorant attitudes may have faded by now, but alas, they have not. It’s disheartening, but I appreciate this blog as such ignorance needs to be pointed out – it’s really embarrassing for FF (though, for some reason, I don’t think he’d care)!
It does suck to get advice from complete strangers, esp about something so personal and something you take great pride in. No one likes unsolicited advice. I hope that you two meet again and that you can share some of your frustrations. Those confrontations are scary, but I hope it happens and you know just what to say.
After you left he explained himself and I wish you guys had had a chance to hear it. It actually began to sound like a confession. He and his wife had adopted an abandoned child from China, and the baby would scream just to get the attention he never had in the orphanage. At first they wanted to run to him to comfort him, but then they realized it was actually making him unhealthily dependent on others as he grew older. Not only that, but the stress was completely killing their marriage. It wasn’t until they began to give him space that he learned to grow into more interdependence. Sometimes it helps to have a bit of context.
Since my wife and I don’t have kids, we’re mostly observers, but we see you and Josh doing amazing things for Jude, the fruits of which can be seen almost instantly as we hang around you guys. Its so fun playing with that guy, and its neat to see him interact with other children and adults. Parenting is hard, and from my humble perspective you guys are doing great.
I may be wrong, but I don’t think this guy was trying to maliciously attack you or your family. The affect however, was that he did. So I’m hoping that somehow healing can happen and that he takes steps to get to know you guys, when the time is right.
It was so great to see you guys out on the beach. I hope we can hang out again soon. Until then, keep up the bloggin!
Eva – I agree that there is a presence of male-arrogance that women must fulfill some never-ending vacuum of needs within their spouse. Funny that guys never seem to own up to that same commitment themselves. Here’s my theory:
Many guys who say such things are still looking for their fulfillment in something other than God. They watched Jerry Maguire and say to their wife, “You complete me”. While this is emotionally wooing, it’s actually pretty poisonous. I believe that a finite person can never complete the infinite needs of another person. There will always be a selfish desire for more – so we see men who never intimately connected with an infinite God now looking for women to fulfill that need. The healthiest marriage relationships (in my opinion) are the ones where both find incredible love and strength from God, and offer it as a way to establish a healthy, spiritually-forming environment for their spouse.
I honestly struggle with making my wife my answer to everything. Looking to her for strength and answers and…even sexual and transcendental fulfillment. My continued focus must be on God’s love and my relationship with him – then other relationships fall into proper place.
Expecting anything from my wife is unhealthy – but living in a state of expectancy is very healthy – learning to anticipate what she’s learning from God, what love she can offer me or I offer her, continued transformation in her heart, continued growth in intimacy between us as a result of our deeper intimacy with our common Father.
I love your thoughts – I think this issue of men thinking so utilitarian about women existing only to meet their needs (sexual or otherwise) only exposes male brokenness in our culture. Will the strong, centered men, please stand up???
I understand that there might have been a misunderstanding, but I also am loving how you’ve grown in your writing to really be able to explain your frustrations through your emotion. I’m not a mom, and though I can see how this comment would be annoying, it’s also good to hear exactly why it’s frustrating to someone who works so hard to do a good job at the ULTIMATE job.
I don’t disagree with Mark…hopefully there will be healing in some way. For everyone’s sake, really.
Mark,
I appreciate you trying to add some insight, but honestly, this: “He and his wife had adopted an abandoned child from China, and the baby would scream just to get the attention he never had in the orphanage. At first they wanted to run to him to comfort him, but then they realized it was actually making him unhealthily dependent on others as he grew older…” disgusts me.
They adopted an ABANDONED CHILD and thought that responding to his cries was doing him a disservice? Honestly? Wow. And here I thought infants/babies/toddlers/children were *supposed* to be dependent on their parents. You foster independence by being letting children be dependent. Anyway, you’ve seen the way Josh and I parent, and we ascribe to the “Attachment Parenting” philosophy: we respond, as quickly as humanly possible to his cries, needs, and wants; we co-sleep; we wear him; we *don’t* allow him to cry unnecessarily or leave him alone to do so (though there are times when he inconsolable, and during those times, we stay near by, talk to him, and let him know that it’s okay to be upset and that we’re there to help him). And while I’m sure FF was “well-intentioned,” I really don’t care. His “helpful” advice was insulting, but who wants to beat that dead horse?
Anyway, I do appreciate you commenting. You’re always a calm voice of reason. (=
Eva,
I wish we were still at school together, because I think we would have some great conversations.
Your observations are dead on, and I am lucky to have a husband who views our marriage as “give and take” and who understands that at this point in Jude’s life, his needs and wants come above both Josh’s and my wants (and honestly, sometimes needs… do you know how long I have to wait to pee sometimes?!?!?!).
Thanks so much for reading and commenting. I love hearing your take on this women’s issues… and I love it that you agree with me most times!
Red,
You should have a baby, then you can experience the frustration first hand.
Go on now… get on that baby-making!
(I kid! I kid!)
*Throws up in mouth*